Heart of the Swamp
by izwan
Summary: Hope you guys enjoyed it. Disclaimer: I don't own Starcraft and anything associate with it.
1. Chapter 1

**Heart of the Swamp**

**ACT 1**

Raynor: I wuvved you, Sarah.

Kerrigan: I hate Mengsk!

Valerian: Kay Sarah. We need to do some test on you. If you cooperate, I'll let you destroy half of this billion dollars facility. No questions ask.

Kerrigan: Do I get to play with the ultralisk?

Valerian: Urm no we don't have that. But we got hundreds of zerglings kept within cages begging to be released. And I'll throw in a hatchery for you so you can make thousands more.

Kerrigan: Yay!

**ACT 2**

Raynor: Wow you really make a mess back there, Sarah.

Kerrigan: *licking her lips*Wait till you see the mess I could make with Mengsk.

Raynor: Urm okay. Tell you what, why don't we get out of here and go to someplace else where we both could get really messy.

Kerrigan: Cool.

Raynor: Alright. So instead of we both going to my dropship right now, why don't you wait here and I alone go back to my dropship which I parked nearly 30 miles away, wear my dashing black armor suit, come back here and after that I bring you to my dropship. You know, just to make things really interesting once the Dominion gets here.

Kerrigan: *blink**blink*

**ACT 3**

Raynor: Damn it! Mengsk is here! Quick Sarah, give me a kiss!

Kerrigan: *kiss**kiss*

Raynor: Urm strawberry. Okay, take this gauss rifle that I stole from a dead Ghost. It has a few bullets in it left but should be enough for you to take hundreds of the Dominion marines now bearing down upon us. Got it? Okay lets go.

*blast blast blast kebabooo*

Raynor: Damn! A bridge. Its wide and strong enough for a siege tank to go through but for some reason small people like us had to go over it one by one. Quick! Lets go over it one by one!

Bridge: *poof*

Kerrigan: Jimmy!

Valerian: Hey guys. I had arrived safe and sound on board the Hyperion. Oh! Didn't I tell you we had a shortcut to the dropships? Or maybe I should tell you both to follow me instead of you guys going the long way and have to fight all those Dominion troops. Or maybe I talked too much. This is going to be awkward.

Nova: Hi Jim.

Raynor: Oh hi Nova. Wats up?

Nova: Oh nothing much. Just making an appearance a second or two before I go missing the whole way until the end.

_**To be continued…**_

**A/n: This was inspired by a post I read on the battlenet forums. I can't remember the title but its freaking hilarious.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Act 3 continued…**_

Raynor: Okay. So is this the part you cuffed me and bring me to you leader?

Nova: Actually I was supposed to shoot you. So can you be a dear and stand still while I pump some bullets into your face?

Raynor: Yeah sure. I don't have anything else to do.

Nova: Thanks.

*pew pew pew*

**ACT 4**

Mengsk: Hi everyone! I took a break from my mandatory moustache-twirling and nose-digging to inform you that I have killed Jim Raynor off screen. Yep he's dead alright. Dead as in not breathing at all. As stiff as a plank. Frozen like a solid ice cube. However due to the public censorship, I can only show you his armor with a large hole in its visor. You know. Violence. Children. Not good. Bwargghahahaha!

Kerrigan: I'm sad.

Zergling: Woof! Woof!

**ACT 5**

Kerrigan: I'm angry. In fact I'm so angry I'm going to hold my breath until I turn purple.

Zergling: woof?

Kerrigan: You're right. I think a little bit of shopping will calm me down. A pair of Zerg organic high heel would do nicely. Yeah I'll buy that. But I don't like going shopping alone. Let's go to Char and see if Warfield wants to be my shopping buddy.

Warfield: Nooooooooo!

**ACT 6**

Zagarra: So if you manage to collect more eggs than me, I'll be your buddy.

Kerrigan: Isn't this like what they did on public television? Those quiz shows?

Zagarra: Something like that. What? I like all those quiz shows.

Kerrigan: Whatever.

*collect collect collect*

Kerrigan: I win! Now let's go and see Warfield. How dare he reject my request to be my shopping buddy.

Warfield: Feel the power and the invincibility of my Gorgon class battle cruiser! Urm you destroy it by using a bunch of Zerg birds I see. Well I got six more! I'm going to send them one by one exactly towards all the scourge nests that you got. They'll be going really slow and they won't bother shooting at anything, just to give you a nice head start activating those nests.

**ACT 7**

Kerrigan: I told Nafash to go someplace cool, not someplace cold and freezing! Stupid broodmother!

Kaldir's Protoss: Kerrigan! What happened to you? You look different. And you wear clothing?

Kerrigan: What's wrong with me wearing clothes?

Kaldir's Protoss: Well, I'm kinda turned watching you naked. Wait, what's wrong with me?

Kerrigan: That's it! You're going down!

Kaldir's Protoss: Well I'm calling the Golden Armada now. They will…hold on *cover the phone* - what do you mean we can't get a signal? Gahhh! I told you we should have upgraded to the 4G LTE network!

**ACT 8**

Zeratul: Hey Kerrigan! I just come by to-.

*Poof! Kapow! Zonk! Blam!*

Zeratul: Yo girl! Calm down and suck my hand a little will ya!

*trailer for Jurassic Park*

Zeratul: That would be a cool place to get a total make over! Yeah!

Kerrigan: Zerus? Are you kidding me? Why I can't go to some place cooler like Beverly Hills or something like that. They got cool spas there and lots of them.

Zeratul: They don't make you purple.

Kerrigan: Then Zerus it is.

Zeratul: That was easy. I thought the prophecy would have been more profound.

Zurvan: Hungry!

Kerrigan: Here.

Zeratul: I give up!

Zurvan: Nom. Nom. That was tasty. But you're a little bit skinny. Now why don't you devour the other three primal first. I'll eat you once you're done.

Kerrigan: Sure. I mean, wait! What?

Dehaka: Essence.

Raynor: Hey Sarah! I'm totally not dead! Mengsk just put me in a cell inside a prison ship in the middle of nowhere! He even gave me a fully loaded gun! He's really a nice guy.

Kerrigan: Whaaaaa?!

Raynor: Oh, you're a zerg again. Well this is inconvenient.

Kerrigan: Tell you what, why don't you put that gun on my forehead and we go for an emotional scene.

Raynor: Okay. Urm.. Grrr! I'm totally gonna kill you! I'm totally referencing that bit from the Brood War and that totally wasn't a retcon! *bang!* was it okay? I could try again with ten percent more frown. And I think I've used the word totally thrice.

Kerrigan: Nah. That was okay. Lets get outta here.

Dehaka: Essence.

_**To be continued…**_


	3. Chapter 3

**ACT 9**

Stukov: Yo Kerrigan! Guess what? I'm a Brood War character! Urm… what are you doing?

Kerrigan: I SWEAR TO YOU! IF YOU PUT ME ON HOLD AGAIN I WILL...What? Where? Oh...I was just... urmm... talking emphatically to my Zerg brethrens.

Stukov: Yeah. Sure you were.

Kerrigan: Yes, urm... NOW MY MINIONS! KILL THAT BASE! ON THAT PLANET! THE BLUE ONE! RIGHT THERE! FOR I AM QUEEN OF BLADES! There. Right...so, yes..Stukov! Hi!

Stukov: So you do remember me.

Kerrigan: Of course I do! I also totally know why you are still alive and have a Zerg claw instead of being dead and exploded in a pool of blood, because I totally read those fantastic novels and short stories! And Jim totally infected me with the word 'totally'. Damn it!

Dehaka: Essence!

Stukov: Okay. That's great. Hey listen, I have a few hybrids to kill.

Kerrigan: Sorry. Not interested.

Stukov: Mengsk?

Kerrigan: Grrr! I hate Mengsk. Lets kill some hybrids!

Hybrids: Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

**ACT 10**

Narud: Hey Kerrigan! I'm also from Brood War!

Kerrigan: What? Not again… will you please stop complicating this story? My head hurts.

Narud: Sorry. Can we at least have a ludicrously elaborate fight scene which will also set things up for the second expansion pack?

Kerrigan: I don't know…. I'm kind of a rush.

Narud: Look, first we break some scenery and then we skew each other. You could have a fun ride on that nydus worm of yours! I could even do some transmorphing just for fun. I can also morph into a stupidly precise previous version of you if you like! It will go well with the under-12 crowd...

Kerrigan: Very well… just make it quick alright?

*Pow! Kaboom! Skewer! Blast!*

**ACT 11**

Kerrigan: That's done. Where were we? Oh! Mengsk, your line please.

Mengsk: What? Oh, sure. ..Grrrr! I am now very angry and I will kill you now, Kerrigan!

Kerrigan: Not if I kill you first!

Mengsk: Not if kill you firster!

Kerrigan: Not if I kill you firstest!

Dehaka: Essence!

Raynor: Hey Sarah! I will help you now by landing my flagship and creating a bunker or two!

Kerrigan: Perfect! That was so nice of you, Jim.

Mengsk: Oh no! You entered my palace! Good think I have this magic lighter which will incapacitate you completely!

Kerrigan: Yikes! Good thing I have the power of editing which will make Raynor magically appear behind you! So I only need to stand here, watch that artifact thing come out of the floor and get electrocuted while waiting for him.

Raynor: Hiyaaa Mengsk!

Mengsk: Whoopsie!

*Kaboom!*

Raynor: Sarah, can you please not do the "THIS IS VENGEANCE!" bit? It didn't land well with test audiences the last time they saw it.

Kerrigan: Oh well. Can I at least make a sappy speech about the Zerg searching freedom among the stars?

Raynor: Nah, leave that out too.

Kerrigan: Well can I at least fly away in a cool fashion?

Raynor: Wouldn't that be a little weird since you could have used the whole flying thing while you were in mortal danger and all?

Kerrigan: *talking fast* The zerg are free now. Slaves to none, not even me. So whether they be the bringers of-….

Raynor: Okay! Okay! Fly! Go!

Dehaka: Essence?

End Credit.


End file.
